I had momentary doubts whether my Vanity Fair -subscription would make much sense, but it has justified itself by the Oscars-mayhem picture bonanza alone (including the afterparty organised by VF). Unlimited viewing of gazillions of outfits. So much pink. So much beauty. I salute Melissa McCarthy and her husband for their matching Adidas-sweatsuits at the VF-party, because if you are to pogo through the night, it’s all about comfort. 

Yes, I love a good party. So it seems does also the Duchess of Sussex a.k.a Meghan. She had a half a million euro- baby shower in New York last week, and if I am to believe the many media outlets reporting about this event, now we must collectively rush to crucify her for this. Forget whatever was said a year ago about her bringing much welcomed ​fresh blood into the Royal Family. She’s clearly crossed the line from fresh to too fucking fresh.

Meghan’s baby-shower was too lavish and expensive. 

The Clooneys, who make their own money (as in do not depend on taxpayers’ hand-me-downs) paid for the private plane, which flew both Meghan and Amal to the party and back. 

Serena Williams, who makes her own money by being the best tennis player of the universe, paid for the hotel, the harpist*, the food and the flower arrangement session.

I now invite you to check out any holiday, public or private, enjoyed by any member of the extended UK Royal Family. Every penny has been paid for by the UK taxpayer. 

William thinks it was not OK to invite celebrities.

So now it comes as a surprise to Meghan’s brother in law that she used to be a Hollywood-approved actress, with an address book to match, who made her own millions by actually having a job. 

Also, let’s have a quiet moment to reflect when the Obamas paid an official visit to the UK. Correct me if I’m wrong, but was it not William and Kate parading their wee toddler Prince George, clad in a dressing gown, to meet Obama and a couple of carefully selected photographers during the visit and then have the pictures plastered absolutely all over the place? 

But William…

Oh well.

​But climate change?

While Meghan clearly is single-handedly responsible for the global aviation emissions, and while we can have a debate whether jetting off to a party overseas is justified and/or cool in the current world situation, can I ask why no-one is batting an eyelid when Meghan and Harry flew to Morocco for an official visit this week? Oh sorry,  is it because they flew commercial? Because it’s only the private planes that come with CO2-emissions?

But a private plane!!!! Yes, because of the Clooneys. What George giveth, you shall taketh.**

Meghan should behave like a royal and have afternoon teas instead, like Kate did.

Who are we kidding? It’s all about ​Panem et circenses. We do not look up the pictures of the royals to see how miserable they look wearing their burlap sacks. We want to see diamonds, heirloom tiaras and expensive dresses. Being born and bred in an extremely egalitarian republic, to me this is the only reason to have royals in the first place. If you have any other justification for their existence, please do share. 

Kate can, and ​should, if I might add, have all the low-budget (again, from the public purse) tea parties her servants have the energy to throw. However, I am not sure which is worse: being insanely privileged at someone else’s expense and pretending you’re not, or just giving the game away as you go along. No matter how many casual family portraits the Kate&Wills- family has taken, posing in their colour-coordinated Barbours (OMG! Princess Charlotte is wearing something her brother Prince George wore once a year ago!!!! Thrifty! Circular economy! Phew!), they all enjoy privileges someone like me can never fully understand. 

But the bitch ordered gluten-free macarons…

Ya’ll, chill. All macarons are gluten free. It’s almond flour. 

…and that’s so Marie Antoinette!!!!

Yes, she was totally slaughtered! Head lopped off just like that, for eating her gluten-free macarons and whatnot shit! 

Just give Meghan three more months. Then she’ll be a mother, having fulfilled her function in the Royal Family (and as a woman, should we believe the Daily Mail columnists) and again be holier than thou. 

* My new life goal. To throw a party where people arrange posh flowers to the sound of live harpist. 

** My second new life goal.