If you’re a woman and have a body, you know what June means. It means it’s too late to get a flauntablesummer body for this season. See, our bodies might be all right for winter and the colder months of spring, but come summer, there needs to be a whole new body. It is also the season of “let’s see what crazy juju we manage to sell women in the name of self care, which we used to call weight loss or dieting before “body positivity” became a thing and we are no longer able to use these perfectly fine terms to make women lose weight for summer”. 

Buy a shower gel

I was looking for a shower gel yesterday and had to consult the staff to find the brand I was looking for. -“It’s where we have our weight loss -products”, I was told. Surely a mistake, I thought, but proceeded to the minceur/afslanken -aisle and indeed there it was, my good old shower-gel that now claimed to possess attributes that would make me lose weight! I couldn’t help but wonder whether all these years the reason for the clogged drainpipes in my bathroom was in fact my lard that had washed off in the shower? Well done Weleda!

Experiment with contouring

Apparently, by using different shades of self-tanner we can disguise parts of our bodies that need to be disguised. I read last week that it is perhaps worth considering to apply a darker tanning lotion on the “lower abdomen” to create the illusion of a more toned, well, lower abdomen. I kind of get the point of body contouring for photo shoots where it’s all about playing with the light an’ all, you know, a bit of highlighter on the shins to make the legs properly gleam. 

However, given the impossibility to get an even colour using just one shadeof a self-tanning lotion, I really do salute anyone who masters the application of different shades without looking like something out of George in the Jungle. I do. Full respect. 

Ask the Universe

It’s not what I end up getting, it’s my attitude to deal with it that matters. The Universe has my back. Like attracts like. Thoughts become things. The law of attraction gives me what I’m thinking about. Apparently that’s varicose veins.

My right leg knee-down looks like Terminator’s face, mid transformation. If you don’t know what Terminator looks like you’re too young to have issues with your veins. Go run in the sun with your legs exposed while you can. Enjoy the warm breeze against your freshly-shaven pins and see them get gradually tanned. I shall be exhibiting mine at biology classes where tree roots vectors are being studied. 

Blame the sun

If certain Western beauty standards would have it, us women would be completely hairless from our eyebrows down. The fact of the matter is that most of us have hair on our faces. I’m completely oblivious of mine until the sun comes out. I was having lunch on a terrace the other week and saw in my reflection that I have actual whiskers. This is kind of cool, unless there are remnants of my dessert hanging from them.

It’s a fine line, you see, between having pale, peachy fuzz on one’s cheeks and dark, wiry hairs jutting out of one’s chin. This is the question even Gwyneth Paltrow is not immune to (I listened to her podcast on this topic): at what age should we start plucking the hairs on our chin? What’s a quirky Italian ​nonna and what’s a downright lumberjack beard? 

Dig a hole

Did you know that by sweeping a shallow dent in the sand before you park there to sun yourself, your ass has a hiding place, will not expand all over the beach to take space from other beach-goers, and thus will make you look slimmer form the aerial perspective? I knew this because I read it in a women’s magazine not long time ago. We can do better than this, girls.

Why settle for a literally tiny ass-hole on the beach when you can keep digging? Dig a hole big enough to jump into. Ask your friend to fill up the hole so that only your head remains exposed. Please be mindful of covering your head from the glaring sun, and don’t forget the SPF. Also, keep an eye on any tidal movements. 

Then enjoy your beach body and live your best life. Have a drink delivered at regular intervals, but remember that you will need a straw to imbibe it. Think of all the plastic waste in the oceans and insist on a straw that is not made of plastic. Thank you for your understanding.