One final occasion requiring us to be sexy this year! After the New Year’s, there’s a six-week breather before Valentine’s has us dust off the sexy baby-animal outfits again. We’ve got this!
Apart from the New Year’s Day, when it’s still mandatory to be sexy, January is a very uneventful month. Neither the Christian calendar nor pagan traditions offer much to feel sexy about.
It would be foolish, however, to rest on our laurels and slouch about. January is the month to prepare for the remaining 11 months of the year, each bringing forth many a sexy event.
Ways to prepare: Dry January (banish the bloat, girls!), joining a gym and going on a juice fast (but just for the glow, not to lose weight, because body positivity).
The festival of sex arrives on the 14th, originally to commemorate the day Roman bishop Saint Valentine was martyred on the Via Flaminia in 496 AD. Fast forward to 2021 AD, and this patron saint of courtly love, epilepsy and beekeepers is mainly commemorated by advert campaigns for luxury dildos and highly flammable lingerie.
Keep it sexy after the Valentine’s by observing the Catholic carnival season. If you don’t observe Catholic festivities, it’s also the season of winter holidays. Even if you don’t observe skiing holidays, you have no excuse not to dress up as the season-specific sexy baby-animal: ski bunny.
International Women’s Day is the day to celebrate womanhood, and it calls for subtle sexiness. We can easily take a leaf out of model Emily Ratajkowski’s book My Body and be feminist, but make it sexy. If posing naked in a men’s magazine à la Ratajkowski to advance women’s rights is out of the question again next year, you’ll never go wrong by celebrating your sexuality. Look no further than your inbox, which will start filling up weeks before the Women’s Day, advertising merch like “Female Trailblazers Gift” of assorted mini-sizes of beauty products. You’ll do well to complement your purchase with something that can be either shoved up your own vagina (jade eggs) or smells like the birth canal of your chosen celebrity (scented candle).
In April we celebrate the death of the original influencer, who was betrayed by one of his 12 followers. There’s the obvious choice between dressing up as sexy Easter egg or sexy Easter bunny. However, I would also suggest looking into possibilities of dressing up as a sexy witch, which often is reserved for Halloween festivities, but in fact has its roots in pagan spring traditions. Trolls are traditionally Nordic down and out women, who revelled in the night at Easter, demonstrating their envy for their neighbours’ material belongings (mainly cattle). Hostile, but make it sexy.
Europe Day is celebrated on 9 May, and it’s a very sexy public holiday. Its origins are in the European Coal and Steel Community, proposed by French Foreign Minister Robert Schuman, in order to make war between France and Germany “materially impossible”. The two countries have kept peace since its formation in 1951, so we can declare this a resounding success.
There’s no reason European women should not be sexy for this holiday. It coincides nicely with the Eurovision Song Contest (another great European success story), better known for its camp fashions, and I don’t see how this does not mean outfits that scream camp, but make it sexy.
This is the interesting quarter of any year for us women, for it’s the beach season, sexy by definition. For this period of time you will need a new body that has to perform additional tasks to merely transporting your innards from one place to another: it has to be flauntable and ooze sex.
To remind us of the importance of being able to squeeze our meat into a Western standardised ideal come summer, the tabloids start feeding us deterrents from February by shaming women celebrities who have been papped on their beach holidays.
Don’t collapse under the pressure. Remember: love your body. But make it sexy.
There’s a bit of a breather in September for lack of Bible-derived sexy holidays. It’s a pity the advertising- and marketing professionals have not been able to come up with anything that would involve adult women dressing up in tiny polyester outfits.
Like January, in terms of sexiness, September is very much a maintenance month, so we should not kid ourselves that we can unsexily hang around in tartan skirts and oversize knits for 30 days. It’s all prep for the big, sexy bang on the horizon. Eyes on the ball, girls. Eyes on the ball.
I am grateful for the potato for many of life’s great pleasures: crisps, and French fries. Also, mash. The connoisseurs know that celebrating the end of the harvest was a big deal in agrarian cultures, which is how Halloween found its origins in Europe. Then the Irish fled the great potato famine and took the tradition with them, helping it spread across the United States, and suddenly we had another holiday requiring women to dress up in sexy outfits.
(All Saints day is technically 1 November, but as with any holiday, Halloween celebrations start well ahead of time.)
The Singles’ Day on 11 November (11/11, got it?) originates in China where it started as a shopping season celebrating people who are not in relationships. It has since become the largest retail and online shopping day in the world.
This is an excellent holiday for women to get sexy for, especially if one is single and wants to do something about it (the pitch of an UK Dating company selling their singles fair).
Well, if it isn’t the Queen of Sexy Months saving the very best for last! There’s no point in singling out any particular sexy events in December, for the whole month is one big festival of sexy celebrations.
In terms of traditionally dressing up in silly costumes, women should be off the hook at Christmas, for it’s Santa everybody’s going for. However, in some very disturbing way the entire extended Santa Claus family have slowly evolved into soft porn versions of their original selves. Google “Santa’s helper costume” and see for yourself.
So there’s that, and multiple other occasions to dress up in a little black dress and lounge around very sexily at office Christmas lunches and such.
On a less cynical note, in the end, it’s all about the miracles and the magic of the festive season, whichever traditions and calendar you observe. As the saying goes, I believe in miracles / Where’re you from / You sexy thing.